goddamn mardi gras

This is the last line of the coroner's report on Buddy Holly listing what was found on his person:

Personal effects, Charles Holley
Cash $193.00 less $11.65 coroner's fees - $181.35
2cuff links, silver 1/2 in. balls having jeweled band
Top portion of ball point pen.

So apparently if Ralph E. Smiley, MD is your coroner, he'll just go ahead and pay himself right out of your wallet. This makes me want to die with no cash on my person, just on principle.

Just a reminder to everyone that today is Mardi Gras (should really be called Mardi Gros but whatever) which means that tomorrow begins Lent. Don't forget to decide what you are giving up this year. I will probably give up meat. I'm willing to make that great of a sacrifice to celebrate the six weeks leading up to the death of the mythical J.

Rest in Peace, J. And by that I mean rest until your corpse is stolen and moved somewhere sparking one of your apostles to either lie or hallucinate that he saw you and thus establishing the resurrection myth that gave your religion the longevity it still enjoys today.

Fear the Chaka !!!!

My most painful realization

Everyone is freaking out about a company from United Arab Emirates buying a company that currently manages a bunch of US ports. But I think people are confusing the word company with the word country. A company based in the UAE is not the same as the country of UAE. Its similar to the way the entire country of Holland is not responsible for the cartoon of one newspaper. See how that works?

Now the big problem.
The REAL problem, and we all know what it is.
I agree with ... Seriously I can't bring myself to write it. I'm not sure I could survive actually seeing that line in print. The entire gubment disagrees with him but I don't.
So should I kill myself now or does one of you want the privilege?

All apologies

I must apologize to all the people who have wronged me throughout the years. Wait, don't I mean they should apologize to me? No, I don't. Because as Harry Wittington taught me, when someone wrongs you, like for example shoots you in the upper torso, neck, and face, you must go on national television and offer a heartfelt apology for all the pain you caused by being shot by them. I don't really get it, but if the people running the show are doing it that way, it must be the right thing to do. So basically, to everyone with whom I went to elementary, junior high or high school, I am sorry for all the years you spent being total assholes. I am truly sorry for all the pain caused by the fact that you are total motherfuckers. And all my bosses, present and former. Sorry you guys can't stop fucking me. And I guess my most heartfelt apology should go to W himself. W, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry that you are completely evil, and that the only thing that keeps you from being even more hitlerian than you are is that you are a complete fucking idiot. I'm sorry that you keep killing people, cutting education and health care, letting your friends fuck the rest of the country and the world so they can continue to profit. I'm sorry about BOTH times you stole the election since there was no way in hell even with the white trash masses we have in this country you would have ever been elected to the presidency. I'm sorry that you feel so insecure about your physical attributes that you had to kill thousands and completely destroy a country to prove your penis is bigger than your dad's.
We get it, by the way. You're the man, you have a huge cock, now chill!!
Seriously.
We will concede that you have the biggest dick in history if you will stop.

kenny boy

I learned the following things from my recent watching of the Enron movie: First, I have an unlimited capacity to hate W. Not that he played a big part in the movie - they probably showed at most 30 seconds of W clips, but of course due to his connections with the Enron boys, I could feel his presence the entire time. And I keep thinking that I already hate him as much as humanly possible, but somehow that hatred manages to continue to intensify. So right now, for example, I might not even hate W as much as I will hate him, say, tomorrow. Or next week. Or even in five minutes. My hatred knows no limits. Secondly, I learned from the Enron movie that deregulated power or energy or whatever it is that is specifically deregulated in CA., is a bad, bad idea.

Anyway, enjoy the picture of Melissa Joan Hart and her baby. I just thought the quotation bubble was funny - I know we don't give a shit about MJH or her kid.

NYC Mayor Bloomberg is a dick.

Quick summary of the story. Bloomberg visits city administrative office in Albany. I'm assuming these are NYC city administrative offices so I don't know why they are in Albany which I think is over 200 miles away. Anyway, Bloomberg visits the city offices, makes the rounds, shakes hands with the admin guy who has worked there six years, makes 27K a year and is the father of a toddler. Photographer takes a picture. Bloomberg leaves, having noticed but not commented on the fact that the guy had solitaire on his screen. A couple hours later, Bloomberg tells one of his underlings to fire this employee, who is 39 years old by the way. Seriously, Bloomberg is way out of touch if he thinks responsible mature employees with any kind of longevity who are willing to work for 27K a year are easy to come by. And not only is he out of touch, he is a hard core motherfucker. And a republican, although I suppose thats redundant.

Feliz Cumpleanos a mi amigo Maticus

This is a picture of the post office in Armstrong, TX, the town where the people running our country hang out. And shoot each other. I wasn't planning to continue writing about the penis today, but I need to at least share a headline from Yahoo news:
Cheney Apparently Breaks Key Hunting Rule
All I'm saying, is that I'm pretty sure there is nothing apparent about it. Basically I know two things about hunting. One - hunting is bad. Two - Your hunting companions share an agreement with you that you will not shoot them. It may be unspoken, but I'm pretty sure there is nothing apparent or unclear about it.

Japanese Prime Minister

For the young folks reading this, this is the guy that Papa Bush threw up in 1992. It really a glorious moment in our nation's history.

But on to today's blog, I was going through some old emails and I would like to share some advice that I was given on what to do when people think you're an asshole, and this only applies if people thing you're a figurative asshole. If they think you are a literal asshole then they are probably schizophrenic and that requires a completely different course of action. Anyway, when people think you're being an asshole, just let them know its because you are single handedly trying to be the world's greatest christian, then punch them in the stomach when they aren't looking. Words to live by.

Penis Cheney, of course

This is even cooler than when George Sr. threw up on television. I just wish I could see the "oh fuck" look on dick's face the second he realized what he had done. If it had been the other way around, and the hunting companion had shot Cheney, things would work out for him pretty much the same way they are for dick, right? It certainly wouldn't be his fault that dick jumped in front of his gun right as it was firing?

With so much time being spent at the hospital this weekend, I'm surprised dick didn't throw in a heart attack. I mean just for convenience sake. He's already at hospital why not kill two birds with one stone.

Airbag

The media reports that people are freaking out about the video of Britney Spears driving with her baby in her lap. Everyone is shocked that she would put her baby, we'll call it airbag, in such danger. But is she not a young uneducated white trash woman from Louisiana? Did we really not expect her to be too lazy to strap airbag into its carseat when she runs out for smokes and a triple nonfat mocha frapp. I didn't.

And on the subject of white trash in the media, you may have read a story yesterday about a 23 year man going to prison for the premarital sex he had with his now 15 year old wife. Her mother gave her permission to marry the dude after she became pregnant. The fifteen year old, when asking the judge for leniency, made a comment about her white trash baby that I've made about many a white trash baby over the years: they should just reserve a spot for it in juvee. Could it be that they are finally starting to understand? Probably not, judging from Brittney and Airbag. Anyway the husband who was on trial came to court in his Sunday best - button down shirt, jacket, and ...
a Nascar tie.

FY 2007 (that's fiscal year 2007 to you non corporate types)

For anyone who hasn't had a chance to review W's proposed budget plan for next year, I'll give the highlights. First, a mere 439 billion on "defense". That doesn't include the war in Iraq (which just as a reminder I was relying on one of my readers to tell me who we are fighting in Iraq because I can't figure it out so if anyone knows, please chime in). I guess that is included in the budget for offense. Not really, it is covered by separate legislation.

Where will all these billions come from you ask. Health care of course. Although I'm not sure exactly how that will work because I think the gubment spends so little on health care related issues that if they cut it all entirely it still wouldn't be enough for the the "defense" budget. Of course they had to grab a little from education, but really it is better for young people to be less educated because the fewer opportunities they have the more likely they are to join the mili-tree.

W also wants to give some money to science. But won't that cause the creation of even more animal human hybrids? Well no it won't, for two reasons. One, there are no animal human hybrids, W just said that because he is a complete and total buffoon, and two, W gave the money to be spent on research related to the fields of physical science (physics, chemistry) rather than biomedical (human animal hybrids).

No More Wire Hangers!!!!

As everyone knows, Sammy Alito was sworn in yesterday as a Supreme Court Judge. A word of advice, quoted directly from my favorite television icon Stephen Colbert, "Stock up on Trojans"

And to the future unwanted children of this country, blame the republicans because the rest of us are on your side.