Florida

Today I'll be heading out to the land of George Bush' fat younger brother. But before I go, I'd like to leave you with some post holiday thoughts. Not mine, someone else's that I read on yahoo news as part of an article discussing post holiday shoppers and their need for bargains. Here it is:
Sue Jones (not her real name) of Tolland, Conn., found a $10 sweater, a two-piece suit for $30 and a matching top for $6. "At this price, you can throw them away and not take them to the dry cleaners," she said.
So for $46.00, Sue Jones can buy clothes, wear them, and throw them away. I'd like to recommend that if Sue Jones plans to throw her clothes away, another option would be to not purchase them in the first place. I'm sure a homeless person could eat for at least a month with your $46.00. Or at least drink for a weekend. In other words Sue Jones, please stop buying shit.

Happy Ne_ Year

na na na na

I didn't want to let the day go by without giving a great big birthday shout out to the mythical baby J. And just in case my good friend Russell reads this, I am truly sorry I didn't meet you at Al's on Friday. I owe you one amiga.

Here is a song we used to sing in elementary:
Happy Birthday baby jesus
Even when your birthday's through
All year long we'll remember
that precious gift we get from you
then I think there was some kind of na na na na chorus.

Merry Fucking Jesusmas!!!

Taken directly from cnn.com. This is probably the stupidest thing they've ever had on their website.
Here's a new tip to help curb drinking over the holidays: Ask for your scotch-and-soda in a highball glass. That's because people tend to unwittingly pour more alcohol into short, wide glasses compared to tall, skinny ones -- meaning two cocktails from a squat tumbler might actually pack the punch of 2 1/2 drinks.
So cnn is actually suggesting their readers request a different size glass because the barkeep will unwittingly put more booze in the short fat glass. Isn't that the reason we should order the short fat glass? My suggestion for anyone who wants less booze in their drink is to drink soda. Or coffee. Or basically anything without booze.
And they can't come up with a better name than squat tumbler?

Happy Festivus Bitches

Here's my list of grievances for the past year (not in any particular order):
W is president (Ok that one is in order)
Michael Brown and the whole Katrina response thing (the lack thereof)
I realized how annoying my cat is (although on the plus side I've recently started to like my other cat)
My friend Bob completely ruined the third Star Wars flick for me (although I guess George Lucas, the cast and crew helped out a little with that one)

Happy Ne_ Year

So our buddy George once again enlightened us with his vision last night. Lets discuss, shall we?
First victim - the following quotation:
"Not only can we win the war in Iraq — we are winning the war in Iraq."
Does anyone know with whom we are at war? Seriously, if so, please leave a comment on my blog because I really don't know.

W also had some enlightening remarks straight from the mouths of the Iraqi people (and by that I mean straight from the imagination of his speech writers. Here is what these grateful people said at the election polls:
"One Iraqi, after dipping his finger in the purple ink as he cast his ballot, stuck his finger in the air and said: 'This is a thorn in the eyes of the terrorists.' Another voter was asked, 'Are you Sunni or Shia?' He responded, 'I am Iraqi.' "
Holy shit I don't know which to discuss first. I think I will start with the second. This is very likely a real quotation (or at least an excerpt). The original probably went something like this,
"Are you Sunni or Shia?" and the answer,
"Well you dumb ass American, I'm an Iraqi, like everyone here. We pretty much had government without religion before you fuckers got here. Thats why Saddam and Osama could never work together against you. Because Osama wants religion at the core of gubment and Saddam is more a secular type. Thanks for completely fucking up our country by the way. "
Now back to the first fake quotation. First of all, only W would say that. Perchance there is footage out there of an Iraqi saying this, but here is what the tape in its entirety would reveal:
Reporter: Come over here, show us your finger as a sign that you voted.
Iraqi: Okay, since there are lots of Americans with guns around, I'll do what you want. But how do I say fuck off in English because I would like to make a statement while I'm giving the finger to the camera.
Reporter: Fuck off in English can be said thusly: "This is a thorn in the eyes of the terrorists"
And you know the rest.
They really must have let W write that part himself because I think most of his speech writers probably know that the generally accepted use of that saying is thorn in the side, not eyes.

peter principle

I'm currently involved in a massive conspiracy to bring down my place of employ using nothing but doctors' visits. Yes I know, that seems extremely hard to do, impossible in fact, but we are determined group of folks (yes, I said it, we're a "group of folks"). Anyway, my group of folks and I tried to keep our plan covert, but we were found out!! And now, no trips to the doctor allowed.
Curses! Foiled again!!
You may be thinking that we must be pretty stupid to think this plan would work, but you're wrong. I know the plan isn't stupid because management wouldn't be so convinced it were happening if it were stupid. I mean, we might not understand it, but isn't that just because we aren't as smart as management?

december to remember

In the interest of fairness, I had decided that if I thought of anything I liked about the holidays, I would blog about it. And I thought of something I like today but I already forgot what it is. But if I remember, readers, you'll be the first to know. Anyway, the coolest thing about the overstock.com woman being in a Lexus commercial is that I'm pretty sure she is online shopping at the commercial's opening, but she sure as fuck isn't on Overstock.com.

I really want to blog about the mavs but I'm pretty sure that none of my readers are fans of sport. I do think we are within five years of the basketball shorts getting short again. Thats just how style works. Like the opposite that just occurred with girls' shorts. The shorts got so short that they couldn't get any shorter so they got long again. Well unless basketball shorts become full fledged pants, they can't get any longer. So short they will become. As long as we're talking fashion, I am much displeased with the return of the culotte (pronounced un-COOL-lot). Anyone wearing them must be completely incapable of shame. I can't wait until the day sweats come into fashion - I will be so in style then.

Cover your pools!!! El nino hey Zeus is coming!!

More things I hate about the holidays: office secret santa, office decorating, coworkers sporting xmas apparel. On the plus side, the cold weather did inspire this awesome fire in my fireplace.

Suicide by airline pig

So the armed flight marshalls (aka airline pigs) are allowed to shoot mentally ill people. Thats bad news for me. And pretty much anyone related to me. And anyone who is friends with me. At this time, lets collectively reflect on the sky pigs killing the nuts, frown, shake our head, sigh, and say "now the terrorists really have won"

To summarize a show I saw recently on the history channel: After his death and burial, the body of one Jesus H. Christ was stolen from the tomb. Mr. Christ had been believed by many to be the son of God. I'm pretty sure that is also why he was killed. But back to the show. Had Jesus' body not been stolen, the history channel states, the resurrection myth could not have evolved and the whole JC fad would only have lasted about two or three more years.I wonder, was Mary still alive when JC passed? Because if she was, I think she is probably also the one who stole the body. All this time I had been giving her credit for conning everyone into buying the virgin story, but I feel liked I've shortchanged her memory. Could it be she is also responsible for the resurrection story?

With ARRms wide OOpen

So there are two sides to the 3-11 / Scott Stapp story. In 3-11's version, they were sitting in a hotel bar watching sport, when in walked Scott Stapp. Stapp stood in front of the television and said, "hey 3-11, want to fight?" In Stapp's version, 3-11 were in fact sitting in the hotel bar watching sport, but when he walked in they immediately jumped him.
So, depending on whose side of the story you believe, either 3-11 is the shit OR
3-11 is the shit.

Quite frankly

As I type this there is a guy named James Blunt on SNL and he sounds exactly like Shakira. Even more than Rob Thomas sounds like Cher. Its freaky. He sucks. I do support his last name though.

Remember, when you choose to call Christmas X-mas, you are choosing to cross out Christ.