All apologies

I must apologize to all the people who have wronged me throughout the years. Wait, don't I mean they should apologize to me? No, I don't. Because as Harry Wittington taught me, when someone wrongs you, like for example shoots you in the upper torso, neck, and face, you must go on national television and offer a heartfelt apology for all the pain you caused by being shot by them. I don't really get it, but if the people running the show are doing it that way, it must be the right thing to do. So basically, to everyone with whom I went to elementary, junior high or high school, I am sorry for all the years you spent being total assholes. I am truly sorry for all the pain caused by the fact that you are total motherfuckers. And all my bosses, present and former. Sorry you guys can't stop fucking me. And I guess my most heartfelt apology should go to W himself. W, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry that you are completely evil, and that the only thing that keeps you from being even more hitlerian than you are is that you are a complete fucking idiot. I'm sorry that you keep killing people, cutting education and health care, letting your friends fuck the rest of the country and the world so they can continue to profit. I'm sorry about BOTH times you stole the election since there was no way in hell even with the white trash masses we have in this country you would have ever been elected to the presidency. I'm sorry that you feel so insecure about your physical attributes that you had to kill thousands and completely destroy a country to prove your penis is bigger than your dad's.
We get it, by the way. You're the man, you have a huge cock, now chill!!
Seriously.
We will concede that you have the biggest dick in history if you will stop.