The Penis has needs

These are the Penis' requirements when staying at a hotel.

Queen or King bed
Desk with chair
Private bathroom (as John Stewart asked, "Does he really think they would make him share a bathroom?" ) Maybe he stays in college dorms when he travels?
All the lights turned on
Temp set to 68
All tvs tuned to Fox news (because he is a total lazy fuck)
microwave (Doesn't the Penis probably have a pace maker or something that would make it dangerous for him to be around a microwave? Or is that just wishful thinking on my part?)
coffee pot with decaf brewed before arrival (also because he is a total lazy fuck)
container for ice (which every hotel already has, including Motel 6 and other shitholes in which the Penis would never stay anyway)
bottled water (4-6 bottles)
diet caffeine free sprite (I'm pretty sure Sprite only comes in caffeine free so the Penis is also a dumbfuck)
sparkling water (if accompanied by Mrs. the P)
hotel restaurant menu (again, if a hotel has a restaurant, there will already be a menu will be in every room)